and da cat was down

Well what a day. Got up, took the dogs to the dog park, did the dishes, went to the store for milk, sent of a poster I sold on e-bay, put another one up for sale, read my blogs and feel asleep. When I woke up I realized how often this has been happening. Six months ago it was just a few times a week.

And then I started to cry. I don't want to watch as my health diminishes and I know it will no matter what I want. BIG pity pot I was on. I'm not going to die. Well probably not but I am more than likely going to go right to the edge before I get better. That's the way I've always lived, going right to the edge and than at the last millisecond jumping back and watch as someone else doesn't make it.

So what else is new. My job today, if I choose to accept it, is to give back, to make amends for all the times I took. And some days those amends must be made to myself for all the self cruelty I inflicted. I've made mega amends to many people, been kind to others just to be kind. But as I look back I see how trying to be selfless was really just masquerading as good. Shame based and selfish. Like ME.

And today I find shame again in my tears. Tears of self pity. Selfish self pity is. Thinks I. Now that I don't take from others I find another willing victim. One that is much more clandestine, and blindsided by the hit. I don't allow myself to be old or ill or sad or what ever real emotions or physical ailments might be in order. And arrogance on the flip side of the shame card.

After I read my 1st step (admitted I am powerless over addiction and my life is unmanageable) the person said no one should remain in that much pain. That threw me... I didn't even know I was in pain. Now that it is named the time has come to have a little sanity restored.

P.S. Anyone that hasn't a clue as to what I'm talking about and may think I've taken leave of my senses your probably right but...there is hope for me. And anyone that can relate cool and as you know there is hope. If you think not or think maybe not for you, well, e-mail me. We'll talk.

So write I will. "All of this is a process, and our need for a restoration to sanity will change over time". Feel better all ready.